|
[16 Jul 2008|12:59am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
A Static Lullaby - Rattlesnake |
] |
So the shore trip as I already stated was a blast.
I think everyone got along great and had a great time. We had some amazing house guests and some really good camio appearences.
Weed brownies are awesome.
I am fucking broke.
Ceasefire needs to play a show... ASAP!
|
|
|
[12 Jul 2008|07:11pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Saves the Day - Deciding |
] |
the shore was fucking awesome.
I got a really nice tan too.
According to a fortune teller, i'm going to have a very successful career, a long healthy life, 3 kids, and I'm going to meet a really awesome girl in about 8 months and fall in love with her. I like the sounds of that.
I already miss it
|
|
|
[05 Jul 2008|12:43am] |
|
In less than 12 hours, I will be on my way down the shore...
This is gonna be the best week ever!
I love my friends!
|
|
|
[02 Jul 2008|02:30am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the Latter Day Express - 9-13-06 |
] |
I am suprised I'm still awake right now. I wa sup till about 4:30 am re-writing my final paper for IH, barely got any sleep and had class this morning. It was a good day despite my extreme exhaustion.
After class I headed to South Street to gte my RXB tickets from the TLA. This makes me very happy. I picked up an extra ticket so i don't have to go alone. I wouldn't even care if I did honestly LOL, RXB concerts are so much fun I would just dance with random stoners and ugly girls LOL.
Got switched to carts at work, so i went in early and worde later, btu i enjoyed it. i love carts, i love interacting with the patients and what not. Got done around 7:30ish and just chilled until 10 when i met up with Josh at the great american, then to mills to see Hancock, where ted met up with us.
GREAT MOVIE! a great day all in all.
Tomorrow marks my first day of summer.
I'm so excited for the shore.
|
|
|
[01 Jul 2008|01:59am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
AFI - A Winter's Tale |
] |
This past weekend was awesome.
I LOVE weddings. It made me sad in the beggining for alot of reasons, I dunno I guess because every wedding i've ever gone to was with Kim, I dunno. But seeing the two of them up there, you could see it in their eyes, they were absolutely in love with each other and wanted to be together.
I can't remember the last time I saw that look in Kim's eyes, don't know if it was ever there to begin with.
it's a real shame that things ended the way they did and things blew up, but I guess we're both better off.
I still wonder if we could make things work if we gave things a second chance, but when i think things through, I know she wasn't happy, and I know she's alot happier now without me, and knowing that, as much as it does suck, it makes me happy. I knew there was a time when I make her happy and I could turn her miserable frown into a laughing smile.
I am hoping that during this week down the shore we can move past all of the bullshit we put each other through and enjoy the week within each other's presence. I am ready to put the past behind me and start over.
I like all of this time to myself, but i hate the single life. i've never been about random hookups or getting laid. i never went out looking for it it came to me LOL. I really miss saying goodnight to someone everynight and waking up thinking about someone. I know I'm gonna find an amazing girl, and she'll be really hot with big boobs lol... hopefully... but I hope it's sooner than later because I like having someone to write songs for, when i don't... I start getting political and shit, and that really is not me.
ALRIGHT, no more emo shit. lol
So I have been doing alot of thinking about my future.
I have made the decision that upon my graduation with a bachelor's degree, I will continue on to graduate school(granted they accept me LOL)
I'm hoping to enroll in Temple's Clinical Psychology Doctoral program. I really feel this is my calling in life besides music. I really want to work with children with chronic illness, such as cancer survivors, mentally disabled children and especially transplant recipients like myself. No one can understand what it's like to live day to day never knowing if you may get sick the next.... I DO. I can relate to these kids, teach them how to cope, and they can probably teach me alot as well. I know I am lucky, and I have not had it hard compared to most people out there with my condition.
Not a day passes by that I don't think about Carolyn and say that could've been me, she is my main inspiration behind doing this. I'm doing it for her, and myself.
altight... it's late ... bed time
|
|
|
[28 Jun 2008|11:12am] |
So I got in around 5am last night, and cleaned Bill's vomit out of my car.
To say the least it was a very fun night, up until the point where we were 1 minute away from Bill's house and he threw up all over my front passenger seat.
I got about 4 hours of sleep.
It was nice while it lasted.
I plan on eating some breakfast, cleaning my car again, and then sleeping till I have to leave for the wedding tonight.
Just when it looks as if things are taking a turn for the better and I am content and happy with my life.... something like this happens. It's not really a big deal, but it pisses me the fuck off LOL.
Only a roadblock... this time next week, I'll be on my way down the shore... CAN"T FUCKING WAIT!
|
|
|
[27 Jun 2008|01:23am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the latter-day express - Say Goodbye |
] |
Tonight was fucking GREAT!
On Display played at Albert's. I had went to Sam's with people from the shore trip, and we got some food.
they ended up meeting up with me there and everyon had a great time... well I hope they did.
I need to get my band going BADLY!
I cannot wait to start playing shows again with CEASEFIRE! but sadly that will not be till September after the album is finished.
Bill's 21st celebrations tomorrow night. I'm the designated driver.
Saturday, my cousin Heather is getting married, me and Matthew shall be in full D&D effect... Drinking and Dancing!
Sunday... writing a paper, work, Ceasefire practice.
Busy weekend... But it shall be alot of fun
|
|
| Tao Te Ching |
[24 Jun 2008|01:16am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet |
] |
Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe.
Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?
Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.
Just some of my favorite lines from the Tao
I didn't plan on doing this reading for class tomorrow. I am so glad I did. For the first time in awhile.. i feel like I've really learned something.
I have been enlightened.
|
|
| r.i.p. George Carlin |
[24 Jun 2008|12:03am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
every time i die |
] |
I Love Bowling.
Shore trip is less than 2 weeks.
I cannot fucking wait.
I better not get arrested or fined for all these young people drinking in my presence.
This week is busy.
Tomorrow night, Catacult show/Key's birthday party
Wed... Ceasefire? Thursday and Friday, celebrating Bill's 21st birthday Saturday Wedding. Sunday writing a paper. Should be fun. Summer classes finish next Tuesday... thank god time to eat and sleep.
|
|
|
[17 Jun 2008|04:20pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Strung Out - Matchbook |
] |
So my whole sn and eveyrthing was made with the name of one band in particular... Strung Out...
I was listening to my i pod in my car on the way home from classes, and the song Matchbook came on. From the time I first heard this song in beggining of sophmore year... I always loved it. I finally understand and can relate to jason Cruz's lyrics. Until now, I can finally appreciate these words.
I miss posting in this thing, and i know why I stopped, and it was a stupid reason. This is my place to vent, regardless of what I say in it. I regret saying somethings, making them public instead of private posts. but I've learned my lesson from that.
Matchbook
I can see it in your eyes
I can hear it in your voice
the signs are obvious
that all we had has run its course
and I don't mind giving up the upper hand
in this little charade
cause I've spent too many nights here on the floor
waiting for something inside you to change
Don't look back in anger now is all that you can see
cause angers all I got to keep me warm when you're away
and I know that this is nothing new
but tonight is all I know
disconnect myself from your memory
and never feel anything at all
to justify with all your words and all your actions
don't mean anything to me
cause I've cut you off
So here we stand and face each other
we've got nothing to say
a flashback to another time
when silence was a welcomed friend
now I'm sorry I can never really say
all the things going on inside my head
silence is a justified expression of my war
now nothings like it was before
Don't look back in anger now is all that you can see
cause angers all I got to keep me warm when you're away
and all your words and all your actions
don't mean anything to me
cause I've cut you off
Don't look back at anger
Don't look back at anger
Don't look back at anger
It's just a memory
It's easy to forget your face
and it's easy to survive in this place
without you, without you
I just comb my hair and wash my face
keep straight ahead and keep my pace
just think about nothing, I might never be alright
well I got my friends, I got my pen
got a million distractions to keep me warm
and I don't know that I'll be alright, that I'll be alright
Time to re-write an essay and then find something to do tonight.
|
|
|
[17 Jun 2008|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 buzzed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the latter day express - the last snowfall |
] |
Yea.... I don't enjoy bladder infections. THEY SUCK.
But I do enjoy bowling two amazing games in a row and drinking on my tramploine starring at the stars.
I've been writing alot of music lately, it's been quite awesome.
I'm in Ceasefire again, playing guitar, we sound AMAZING!
We're recording a full length in August at Studio 4, it's gonna be the new standard for a punk rock recording in Philly.
We really are going to be the next big thing in punk music, not just the philly scene, and I'm not joking, i;m dead serious, I do not relaly like this kind of music, and hearing these songs, i can tell... Everyone will be screaming CEASEFIRE!
I need a drummer to get the Latter Day Express off the ground.
It would be ncie to play shows and play songs I've written.
Ok. Time to try to piss for an hour, then go to bed.
Shore in 2 weeks. Fucking pumped!
It's gonna be asolutely AMAZING!.... yea AMAZING! is my word
|
|
| WHOAHHH!!! |
[14 Jun 2008|12:33pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Finch - Chinese Organ Thieves |
] |
Yea.... long story short great time down the shore. One of my best ideas ever, if i don't say so myself. Didn't meet up with Jacqui, she was in Philly go figure LOL. I'm out $40 because we decided to buy food to bbq and everyone said they'd put up money, and only 2 people gave me money, so i guess I'm only out $30 lol. Sucks, but whatever.
Cookout tonight... I honestly don't feel like having it. I'm running right from work downtown, picking up beer and then starting the grill. Whatever, hopefully they let me leave early.
I think I'm done drinking. I realize I was alot happier before I did it once a week.
Ok time to work out, go shopping and eat lunch.
Take cover... RUN! As fast Fast, fast as you can against the wind.
It's all over, blood on your hands, blood on your hands. I'm Alive. - Chinese Organ Thieves
New Finch ep... coming out next month.
I'm as giddy as a school boy!
|
|
| love those wildwood days! |
[12 Jun 2008|08:43pm] |
In about 2 hours I'll be breathing in the sweet salt air and sitting on the beach with a beer...
WILDWOOD.... HERE I COME!!!
|
|
| 1 hour till work... |
[12 Jun 2008|02:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Say Anything - Shiksa (girlfriend) |
] |
So I have work in an hour... I'm just chillin, burning a cd for my trip to the shore tonight, buying some new music on itunes. Today has been nice so far, I didn't go to classes, first time I've cut all summer semester, and I know I really didn't miss anything important. I went to the bank cahsed a check, bought a new pair of sandals for the beach, actually first pair ever haha, then got my oil changed and mowed the back lawn for my dad.
I am looking forward to going down the shore, just not the 2 hour drive alone, but it'll be nice to have a giant sing along by myself. I wanted to be as far away from everything tomorrow. Don't wanna talk about it anymore, don't wanna think about it, I just wanna move on and find happieness in being Patrick Sicilia. when i find that... I'll then be able to find a girl who I can love whole heartedly, and she'll be able to do the same.
I plan on staying till saturday morning, leaving about 9ish and heading back so my saturday isn't killed. then work 4-7 and I'm heading straight down town for the party I'm throwing. I'm gonna stay at Matthew's place, but hopefully I'll be able to meet up with jacqui at some point, I miss her.
No one said it would be easy... and it's not. But it's a part of lif,e and i'm glad I experienced it.
|
|
| fucking IH paper |
[09 Jun 2008|02:40am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sound of silence |
] |
Demons in, demons out
Cry for dawn
Gratis
Bored
I'm the matador of the children's ward
Beggars wed choosers
Red sheets, bed sheets
Boozers
I'm the head fan
Blessed be my bed pan
This is what it's like to be alone
This is what it's like to be alone
I love that song.
|
|
| being drunk+stoned + weird ass rants and ... poetry? |
[07 Jun 2008|02:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the latter day express - the end |
] |
So I shall tell the tale of lover's woe. The one lying inside me so. It begs for dawn and cries for night... but nothing shall drege this dream out of sight. For once there was a lovely time, of such an imagination should rhyme, through the trees and air this lover showed, some that she didn't know.
the lights so dim and the music so loud, the faces all blurs and then the sound, of silencince breaking into melody there, and i could was just stare. Did not know what had come over me, I thought I could sleep the night and let it be. yet something came over me, a feeling so strong, it cursed my heart and brought so much pain on.
Rampled and withered this heart is now, yet I move on with a smile, starring proud. Because it is not me who is suffering, tis this heart of old love that needs sooting. So into the darkness I shall journey, where I am alone and happy though i cannot see. Into the light I lsipped tonight, knowing that someday, the two of us shall be alright. Never again will I fall again, face first into love as it strangles me dead. but I once heard a stranger tell me some interesting things, you cannot fly with chicken wings!
tonight was a fucking blast. I drank, I smoked, and talked about politics. LOL all i can say is... if this is a preview of my summer, i cannot wait. FUCK SUMMER CLASSES!
|
|
| boredom |
[06 Jun 2008|03:04pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Anthony Green - I've been dying to Reach you |
] |
I'm waiting for Bill and kevin to get here to jam, and i'm a little bored. I haven't one one of these in a LONg time. i miss them.
1) Do you like blue cheese?
no
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
no, I prefer crack, less addictive
3) Do you own a gun?
SOON lol.
4) Your favorite song?
At the moment, the one I just wrote and Straylight Run - Dignity and Money
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
LOL yes sometimes I do.I never know what they're gonna tell me
6) What do you think about hot dogs?
Not a big fan
7) Favorite Christmas song?
All I want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey, great memories with that song
8) Can you do push ups?
yea
9) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
I don't wear jewlery, the only piece I'll ever wear will be my wedding ring.
10) Favorite hobby?
writing and perfroming music
11) Do you have A.D.D.
i think soi LOL
12) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
How thin I am. I've been working out though, so i'll be HUGE by the end of summer lol.
13) Middle name?
Joseph
14) Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
How did things get this bad?
Where the fuck is Bill?
How am I gonna pay for that new guitar?
15) Name three things you bought yesterday?
McDonald's, a Hurricane 40, and a bacon egg and cheese on a kaiser
16) Name three drinks you regularly drink:
apple juice, snapple, orange juice
17) Current worry right now?
How much is gonna cost for my car to get fixed
18) Current hate right now?
Not having a drummer for the Latterday Express
19) Where would you like to go?
I'd go anywhere as long as i wasn't alone
20) Name three people who will complete this?
no one will
21) Do you own slippers?
no, threw them out after I spilled a whole glass of apple juice on them
22) What shirt are you wearing?
the house that nurses built
23) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I dunno
24) Can you whistle?
I am the best whistler in the world lol
25) Favorite color?
I honestly do not know. LOL red i think. but it's different for alot of things.
26) What songs do you sing in the shower?
beatles songs, STD
27) Would you be a pirate?
ANY DAY! Me and Callahan!
28) Favorite girl's name(s)?
Honestly.... Kim, Christina, Maggie, Jamie
29) Favorite boy's name(s)?
Angelo, John, Jullian(Jude), Ted
30) What's in your pocket right now?
Car keys, cell phone, gum, i-pod, chapstick, and my medicine. YEa I have alot of shit in my pockets.
31) Last thing that made you laugh?
Billy drunk last night
32) Worst injury you've ever had?
a broken liver.
33) Do you love where you live?
I do. I love my house and my awesome back yard. I love the suburbs, but I don't like that I'm not close to my friends
34) How many TVs do you have in your house?
4.
35) Who is your loudest friend?
the only person who can even compare is and was and ever will be Kim.
36) How many dogs do you have?
None. :(
37) Does someone have a crush on you?
I wish LOL
38) What is your favorite book?
harry potter books 5 or 7
39) What is your favorite Candy?
Chocolate covered raisins
40) Favorite Sports Team?
Philadelphia Flyers
41) What song do you want played at your funeral?
the beatles Let it be
42) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Over kevin's watching a drunken bill go insane on guitar while geoff tried playing drums, it was GREAT!
43) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up
what am I doing today
44) Is your hair the color you were born with?
yep
45) Favorite subject in school?
Abnormal psych
46) Do you eat ice cream from the carton when no one is looking?
uhh I'm lactose inotlerant. but yes I do LOL
47) Favorite thing about your significant other?
I liked everything about her
48) What do you like about yourself?
I am so good looking
49) Which 4 celebrities (living) would you have to dinner?
Selma Hayeck, Keirra Knightley, Kate Beckinsale, an Harrison Ford. I'd fuck the three ladies, and harrison ford would just watch and say lines from Indiana Jones
50) What is the best meal you cook?
Every meal I cook is a masterpiece
|
|
| Long and shitty day, awesome night |
[06 Jun 2008|12:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Circa Survive |
] |
So today kinda sucked alot. Started with last night's events. I smoked marijuana for the first time in months with Jack last night and it was great. I got really blazed and just sat in my room from like 8:30 till I went to bed around 12, just playing guitar and writing music. I should have studied for my statistics test, but whatver. Decided to go to bed early and when i went to brush my teeth I saw a living room full of people, i forgot jack said he would be having people over.. no big deal. Well i fell asleep, but then awoke around 1 and couldnt fall back to sleep caus eof how loud they were being, so I politely opened my door to the living room ( I live on the first floor of our house downtown) and told them to please be quiet. Didn't get much sleep.
Another thing about jack LOL... I came home sunday night to find our living room completely filled with someone's shit, I thoguht Pat or jack had pakced up to move out, but then when i saw the Couch anc 2 beds, I was puxzzled. Apparently, Jack is letting his friend store his stuff at our house, for how long i don't know. We're all kinda pissed at the sheer fact he didn't ask any of us, and we all found out by coming home to it. Whatever. As long as it's out by the party next Saturday I don't care, cause if it's not it's gonna be a free for grab what you want. LOL
So today I ended up not having a Z table chart for my Stat test which sucked, i spent my time between classes in the library looking for one, and didn't get time to study. i don't know how I did on the tesrt, hopefully i pulled atleast a C, cause i cannot afford to fail this course. I hung out with Matty B for a little this afternoon, and then headed home. After dinner I had to drop my car off at the mechanic due to the fact its acting up. I'm hoping it doesn't cost me too much money. Billy called me, and I took my mom's car over, picked him up and then headed out to Warrington to Kevin's. I love it out there. Just in the middle of nowhere. We just hung out and jammed in his loft, and then Geoff came by, and i drove everyone to get 40s. It was all in all a great night, except for me being extremely tired. Billy is hilarious when he drinks, I love that kid.
Alright time for bed.
|
|
| boredom AGAIN! |
[31 May 2008|02:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the latter day express - in ten seconds say go |
] |
boredom has set in again.
I see since I don't really get to vent to anyone anymore this is going to be my window to do so, once again.
Today was great, got a haircut, new shoes, bought my mom her birthday presents and Chantal her house warming gifts. Its been a very hard road the past 2 1/2 months, but i'm glad i'm almost there. It feels good to not care about it anymore, but the fact I still see Kim all the time makes it linger. I'm still love her, but when that kind of love isn't exercised and fed, it begins to fade away. So I think from now on I am going to just do the best that I can in moving on. I started to realize today that there is no point to keep hoping, or to keep waiting like i have been. I mean I haven't been ready to move on yet, but if I meet someone, whether it's for a night, or for a week, I'll have alot easier time doing so. It's not that I don't wanna be with her, it's just I don't wanna hurt anymore. So in order to not get hurt anymore, I need to make myself move on, give myself the needed jump start I should have given myself a month ago and go out there and meet someone new just to do it, and I know whether its next week, or next year, I'll find someone that makes me happy, and hopefully that person will be able to love me just as much as I love them. I am writing this in here for alot of reasons. One being writing in this thing has always helped me vent, and I feel when i stopped, it really hurt the way I would act towards Kim and react with things. The other main one being is I feel the more I say this is how I feel and embrace it, the more I'll try to move towards that end of the spectrum.
Like I said before I do want to be with her, but I want her to be ready to come back to me, and I don't want her to feel pressured to do anything like that, but I gotta do whats best for me, and that is to stop hurting. Because the only two ways to stop hurting are A.) to get back together, which solves nothing if neither of us are ready and committed. It'll only heal things for a short time, and then it'll happen all over again. Or B.) Move on and try to find someone else, wether its a new girl to hang out with and see movies with, someone to fuck(not really, i'm just using an example LOL I'm not an asshole guy), or someone to fall in love with. I highly doubt I'm ready for a new relationship anytime soon, but I want to go find that special someone for me, because I'm not getting any younger and I highly enjoy having someone to say I love you every day and goodnight every evening.
I don't know how I'm gonna deal with things within the next two weeks, with the fact that our 3 year anniversary would be 2 fridays from now, the 13th, LOL yea, it's was an omen for disaster from the start! I think I'm just gonna go down the shore and enjoy the day by myself and meet up with Jacqui and my cousin. Do somehting to completely separate myself from her, just because as much as i'd love for everything to fall back in place and the two of us to fall back love all over again and get back together on our yearly anniversary..... but I don't live in a fairy tale world, and I never believed in them either. So as long as my work schedule permits it, i plan on going somewhere that i can be myself and enjoy myself, surround myself with people who make me happy and love me for being me, and I couldn't find any two better people than Matthew and Jacqui, Well of course Chantal too, but I wanna leave her in case Kim needs her, but she probably won't.
it's funny because at first i wanted to try and ask her to hang out on that day. In FACT! I had this whole big plan from the time she broke up with me to do somehting sweet and like drop her off flowers and ask her on a date to dorney park and do something really romantic, like I used to do all the time. that was actually what we had planned to do on that day before we broke up lol., But I don't see the point anymore, and it's a useless desperate last ditch effort, and I am in no way, shape, or form desperate, just stupid. She'll come back to me if she wants to, and for her sake I just hope I'm still in love with her... IFor when that time comes because if I'm not, she's gonna feel worse than I did when she broke up with me, and I wouldn't wish that pain on her ever.
I am taking my cousin Brian and one of his friends from the autistic bowling league he's in to the comic book convention tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it, It's gonna be alot of fun. I notice I've been having alot more fun without Kim than I ever thought I would, even when I sit in alone. LIFE IS GOOD
I am gonna be perfectly fine. : ) <3
|
|
| being sick and extremely bored causes me to do something I haven't done in months |
[29 May 2008|08:01pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bane - swan song |
] |
So I spent most of yesterday and all of last night shitting my brains out and puking, and i am extremely tired at the moment, but boredom has set in. I haven't updated since October 31st 2007, and to say the least, my life has taken more turns than a bad set of map quest directions. So where do I begin?
I guess I'll start with the obvious and the most significant event to happen in my life lately...
Me and kim have been broken up for more than two months now, and yea it sucks. I don't wanna get into it, but it seems everytime I have a conversation with ANYONE... she gets brought up, wether it's in the conversation, by a memory of her with something said, or just because she's constantly on my mind. It's funny to look at the last few entries I made in this thing, and one was from over a year ago, and it was a poem thingy written for/about her and I. The worst part about it is, me getting over her isn't happening really, mainly due to the fact that i see and talk to her all the time. In two weeks it would be our 3 year anniversary, and I think we were at that point where it' was either going to work or it wasn't. Three years is a long time to be with someone, but I don't regret a single day of it.
Things started going sour once the spring semester started. Kim and I both go to Temple, she lived in the dorms this past year, and I commuted, but for the spring, I moved into my cousin Steve's house and that was a major key in why things went they way they did. We already relied on each other a lot as it was, but now living within 2 miles of her, we would call each other to hang out ALL THE TIME, and sit and do absolutely nothing. We stopped arguing about things because we didn't want to fight over stupid things that pissed us off, but yet it's those petty things that eventually build up and end up tearing people apart. Even for our birthdays we didn't even do anything very special.
GRANTED... neither of us really have any money, but we could have done more.
It eventually came to a point though where shit hit the fan. it was Easter weekend and Kim stayed the weekend because of the show (she was doing costumes). She stayed to go to a party that saturday, and I hadn't seen her much that week because she was at rehearsal till 11 every night, so I was upset, and a little jealous that she didn't want me to come pick her up, she'd rather stay at the party. Well long story short, her phone died, she told me it would before she even went to the party and she told me exactly where she would be, and told me she'd call me when she got back. Well, I went to bed around 1:45 and was worried cause I had no way to contact her. I sent her a text saying goodnight, love you all that jazz, and then tried to go to sleep. Around 2:30 I found myself texting her a stupid and uncalled for text, giving her un-needed attitude and bullshit acting as if she was avoiding my call, WHEN I KNEW her phone was dead. Well I dozed off, and at about 3:10 my phone rang and it was Kim, and I answered the phone with a What the HELL! why didn't you call me sooner?
it was at that point after she started getting mad and yelling at me over the phone that I realized my trust issues with Kim had hit a new low and that she wasn't tolerating it anymore. We argued and i tried to justify myself, but in the long run i was wrong. She started syaing she wanted to take a break and I got uspet. We cried, talked, but nothing got solved, by 4:30 i said lets talk about this tomorrow. that right there was the first time we both went to bed angry with each other.
next day, easter sunday, i had work 10:30 - 2, and I called Kim on the way to work, we talked and I asked her if she wanted me to go over her uncle's still... she said yes, and it sounded as if things were alright, we would be able to work this out. That day ended up being a whole lot of fun, and we decided I'd take her back to school that night still and we'd talk on the way. When we stopped at my house, kim was herself and talking to my family and it seemed like things were gonna work out. As soon as we got in the car, we picked off exactly where we had left off. By the time we got to Temple we were still deep in conversation, and I pulled in to the turn around thing in front of her dorm, as if ready to unload her car and go to her room to finish talking. She told me I should just park the car. About an hour later she pretty much said she felt it was time to end what we had together, and as upset as i was i told her exactly this..." Well I've always tried to make you happy since I've been with you, so if this is what you want then so be it. I hope this shows you how much i really do love you because it's killing me to do this right now."
Suprisingly to me though, she was the one in tears and I was the strong one. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I loved her and told her everything would be fine, just give it time, and we'll work things out.
The next day I got a text from Kim around 12ish asking me how i was, and then another later asking if i would wanna talk. I was a little irrritated at this, yet hopeful, so i told her to call me when she was done classes for the day. We spoke on the phone for awhile and she asked me if i would want to hang out with her that night. i was bewildered at this, but i obliged anyways. I picked her up that night around11, and I said so uhh what did you have in mind and she waid lets go get some food. I took her to the Silk City Diner, a place I had been wanting to take her for awhile but never did for some reason. After eating an overpriced soup, and spending the majority of the time just starring in her eyes and talking about things we got in my car, and parked and talked AGAIN. Kim ended up wanting me back, and she said she realized she did want me in her life and wanted to give things another try. We spent the rest of that thing discussing thigns we'd like to change in our relationship and things we'd like to do with one another. After making out in the car and me asking her a million times if she was sure this is what she wnated, i took her home, said our i love yous and I went to bed.
the next day I woke up feeling worse than I did the day before when we weren't together. I missed my recitation and ate lunch in the sac by myself and then kim walked by with her friends and saw me, and when i saw her I got the worst sinking feeling in my gut. I knew things were over at that second.
fast forward to thursday, we're hanging out in her room becuase I had a long break between classes, and we made out and stuff, and then she went to the bathroom, came back and she caught me on her phone, I was looking for a picture and I ended up snooping through her texts because i couldn't find it and ended up reading two that made me feel weird and I got all moody and she could tell. i told her later what it was. We argued alot and i apologized for reading her texts, but I honestly wasn't snooping through her phone, but I did read a text when i saw something that jumped out at me and that was not right. We planned on hanging out that night again after her show. She texted me around 6ish saying that they had pictures that night and wouldn't be done till 12:30-1:00. I knew she was staying the whole weekend again, so I made a joke saying, well I'll see you Monday then. She said she didnt wanna hang out anayways. i then apologized and told her i didn't care if it would be late, i'd still swing by, even if only for a little. She called me around 7;30 as i was cooking my fettucini alfredo, and told me she didn't want to do this anymore.
I fucking lost it.
The night was filled of me drinking alot of rum, crying and senseless text messages to Kim.
Since that all happened we both had our share of drunken momets where we tell each other how much we love eac other, but couldn't do this at the moment, but most of mine were filled with me begging her back. I acted childish for a week and made an ass of myself. It took about 2-3 weeks for me to realize how much I needed this break up.
How much we both needed it. The two of us need our own lives back and need to be happy with ourselves before we can ever make things work between us. It is so hard because we share friends, but we've been making it work. For awhile I avoided seeing her, but now if she's out I just try and deal with it, but its never easy.
ya know, I'm personally at a point where I feel myself moving on, not from kim, but from my old ways of living in general, and I like the fact that i can sit in alone and be alright with it. Of course I'd rather be out, but sometimes you need that alone time to yourself to be able to do whatever YOU want. But on nights like this very one, where I am sick and upset because I've been sitting alone all day and feel terrible, I would give the world to have her back and to be able to sit and watch shitty movies on FX.
I don't know what is going to happen, between us. My honest answer, is i want her back in my life. I would love to fall in love with her all over again, but the only way things will ever work is if we're both ready and commintted to try and make a a loving relationship work for the long run, because if thats not what you're shooting for after all this time, then whats the point. I guess if it's meant to be, then it's gonna happen. But I hope it happens sooner than later, because everyday with out her in my life hurts, because I still love her, and i don't think anything can change that.
I'm pretty sick so I think it's time I head up to bed.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
strung_out057's journal